you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
