you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
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I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
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I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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