fuck your aforementioned shoe
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
