matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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