I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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