i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
