We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
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