You just made me feel so damn special
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
