Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
