Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
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