I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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