"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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