Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
