i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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