I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
