The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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