I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
