You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
