i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I'm passing your future prison.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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