connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.