i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina