i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
My penis needs a shock collar
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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