how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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