dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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