this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Randomize
