i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Randomize
