Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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