if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
