i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you win again, gameday.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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