i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
