I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
