Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
worst night to have a conscience
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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