New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
