i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
i need some magic done to my vagina
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
