Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I don't deserve a penis
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
