At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
