Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
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