Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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