im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
