why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
