So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
