Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
