I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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