did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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