When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
