How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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