I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
