Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
