i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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