He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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