im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
