apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
