wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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