We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
