I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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