that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i think i have two assholes
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
