umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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