I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
