More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
