You're my little dorito
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
